self-reflection, a must

Happy Saturday earthlings.

The Saturday sun sure feels good and just like frosting on a cake, there was a little downpour to release the heat.

Fantastic weather i tell you.

And so, there's so many things that i talk to myself everyday (YES I DO TALK TO MYSELF).

I'm not a freak but it's just that when you are alone (and stressed and depressed yadayada) and your mind boggles like a whirlpool, self-reflection is the best resort.

And I do That also because I CAN get overly emotional when i talk to other people. Maybe that's the reason why I don't really TALK to other people and ask "hey,what do you think if i..." or "eh, if i choose this instead of this what do you think..." et cetera et cetera.

I'll end up picking up a fist fight, trust me. That's how emotional and "overly" sensitive i can get. Definitely not proud of this trait of mine.

Seriously, I used to be an exceedingly good listener and tip giver. Probably because of my role as a sectional leader. Highly motivated, always-on-the-roll-kind-of-girl , you-can-beat-me-but-i-will-beat-you-in-some-other-way kind of person ... You get the idea?

But somehow things take a turn when i reached JC, when everything seems a little bit too tough to puff and i start to sigh at every test that i fail. I look at my horrifying grades but surprisingly they left me numb, sad only to a small extent. I slowly learnt to pick myself up, because in JC, you can't depend on your teachers to TELL you FACE to FACE that "you can do it" or "jia you!" or what ever it is. It's all about you and yourself,alone.

On a lighter note, i think it helps to mould me to be more independent. But i just hate the fact that no matter how hard i tried to challenge myself to do things or achieve simple goals. I just can't. I regret for being such a normal (or perhaps mediocre) kind of student. I should have placed greater efforts of being an achiever, instead of a dreamer who just hopes for things to fall into my little palms.

I've gone a long way (or maybe WRONG way) but i grew up with the mindset that I MUST GET, WHATEVER I WANT. This does not mean material wise,ofcourse. I don't care if i dream of a coach bag but unable to get one, i'm talking about goals and aspirations. 

I wanted to play an instrument when i was a lot younger, and i have that checked. A clarinet player i am now.

I wanted to go to a JC , and good enough, i graduated from a humble and respectable JC.

I wanted a job in an Office for part time, and my my wish is granted. I am happy with what i am doing from 9am-5pm every weekday.

While all these dreams/goals/aspirations are met, i wonder about my last leap. The most crucial leap. A leap that will determine my success or fall.

I made a huge mistake 1.5 months ago, and I sabotaged my own dreams this time. I don't know if i will fail, but like SomeOne told me the other day "Just do whatever it takes"

Ok fateha, do whatever it takes babe.

I'm learning to pick up my courage and strength again after leaving them behind as soon as i graduated from Bowen 2 years back.

I am the timid girl, again. And i am not proud of it. I have to have consensus between me and my inner self, instead of listening to only what 1 side of my heart have got to say.

Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.

Confucius

Thank you Confucius.

Wait, i have yet to fall deep. Which is even more worrying because i have yet to take real solid hardship. 

There's only me and me alone whom i can depend on right now. 

To her success,